too much of a good thing

being happy is a funny thing.  i am not complaining, but it's strange how unmotivated i can be when perfectly content.  things in my life are far from perfect right now, trust me, but i am feeling pretty good about the majority of what is happening.  i am very very VERY happy at work, wedding planning has been going pretty smoothly, and i feel just...good.  i was talking to a co-worker today about how anxious we were on the sunday night after the holiday.  neither of us could fall asleep thinking about going back to work the next day, and then we each had to remind ourselves that we now work in a pleasant, respectful, and functioning (for us) environment.  last year at this time i was laying awake with anxiety every night! as horrible as it was, it turned me into a highly motivated person.  i made lists and couldn't wait to cross things off them.  i became focused on feeling successful with my diet and workout routine.  every night i wrote a mindfulness goal for myself for the following day.  i did a lot of journaling and self-reflection. i woke up early on the weekends to clean and organize our apartment.  now that i'm happy i don't get the urge to take control of different aspects of my life.  my journal is gathering dust.  my mindfulness notebook is buried somewhere in my room.  the bathroom floor needs to be cleaned in a major way.  i am definitely not asking to be miserable again, but i wonder how i can stay motivated to be active and creative and organized when things are feeling pretty great.

weekend intensity

my parents came into town this weekend.  it was the first time mike and i have seen them since we got engaged.  i was extremely excited for them to be in town.  we had some great places picked out for meals, a tour of the brooklyn brewery planned, and lots of time to share our ideas about what we wanted for our wedding.  people (and books, and blogs) had told me that sometimes wedding planning conversations between couples and parents got intense, but i thought my parents were going to be super cool about it.  i thought my not wanting to get married in a church was going to be the biggest point of contention, but i felt strongly about it so i wasn't that worried.  maybe i should have been ready for the intense conversation, but i definitely wasn't.
i wasn't prepared for the fact that they really wanted me to get married in connecticut.  i knew my mom would have ideas about who i should invite, but i didn't realize she'd ask what portion of our 150 maximum was available for her to invite.  some of the intensity was diffused by two of my friends stopping by, but i knew we had to just have the conversation.  voices were raised a little, i cried, the "husbands" tried to calm down the "wives." (i guess quotation marks aren't necessary for my parents, since they actually are married, but you get what i'm trying to do here). when all was said and done, my parents seemed ok with the fact that we want to get married in new york.  they liked some venues better than others, but at least acted comfortable with all of them, and they did give us some important things to think about.
coming away from the weekend, i'm pretty exhausted, but i appreciate the fact that my parents just want our wedding day to be amazing.  they might not understand some of the ideas that mike and i have, but they are supportive and beyond generous.  there will always be this part of me that wants my parents to approve of all of my decisions--like i'm still a little kid--but i know that the fact that the conversations saturday night were not totally comfortable meant that mike and i were staying true to the kind of wedding we envision for ourselves.
i have to say...i am excited for our wedding, but i am also looking forward to the day being here and mike and i just getting to be husband and wife.

best day

i feel like i'm back.  friday was just one of those days where i felt great.  the week started off a little hectic--didn't know how to do new routines and seemed to forget all of the routines i've known how to do for the past ten years.  then friday morning came and i was like, "oh yeah.  i'm pretty good at this."  after the year i had last year, and the couple of not-so-great years prior to that, i realized that i think i'm finally in the right place.  it was the best day of work i've had in about three years.  i was exhausted by the end of the night but i had a friend's wedding to go to with my two former roommates.  every moment of the wedding was amazing.  it felt great to celebrate two people's love, it felt great to drink sparkling white wine, it felt great to dance for three hours straight on the dance floor with two of my favorite people.  i had one of those rare and amazing moments where i realized just how happy i was.  everyday is not going to go that smoothly or feel that good, but i really feel like things are falling into place for me.  it's not always easy for me to be positive. i prematurely panic when things don't go as smoothly as my control freak brain would like them to go.  it feels nice to have a quiet, peaceful brain for once.