the "grown-up" myth

i turned 33 at the end of november.  when i was 16 (or, let's be honest, 25) i thought that by 33 i would be a proper grown up.  i would own a home, have at least one kid.  i would no longer check behind the shower curtain for serial killers when i was home alone, and i would make sure that i ate the proper amount of servings of vegetables as indicated by the food pyramid.
not the case.  i've been thinking so much about the idea of being a grown up lately, and what milestones do you have to reach before you are officially in the club.  having a kid? marriage? owning a home? a driver's license with your ACTUAL address on it?
i am surrounded by people who seem like total grown-ups in so many ways, but then i find out a) their parents pay a HUGE part of their rent, or b) they got married a few months ago but their spouse still lives with their mom and has NEVER lived on their own.  are they still grown ups? am i more a grown up because i am not on my parents' cell phone bill?  or less a grown up because i still have a childhood stuffed animal in my bedroom and never pay my bills on time?
so much is different than when my parents were my age.  people get married later, switch jobs more often, rent for life.  last year at this time i would have moved out of new york in a heartbeat.  if mike had gotten a job somewhere else, i would have moved pretty much anywhere in a second.  because i love my job right now, and new york seems like the best place for mike's career, should i come to terms with the fact that i will never have a formal dining room that will never get used?  at this rate, i might never have a kitchen table...
even though i definitely feel the pressure to "grow up" in the traditional sense, i also feel lucky that i am living in a place and time where, even at 33, i am free to figure myself out.

too much of a good thing

being happy is a funny thing.  i am not complaining, but it's strange how unmotivated i can be when perfectly content.  things in my life are far from perfect right now, trust me, but i am feeling pretty good about the majority of what is happening.  i am very very VERY happy at work, wedding planning has been going pretty smoothly, and i feel just...good.  i was talking to a co-worker today about how anxious we were on the sunday night after the holiday.  neither of us could fall asleep thinking about going back to work the next day, and then we each had to remind ourselves that we now work in a pleasant, respectful, and functioning (for us) environment.  last year at this time i was laying awake with anxiety every night! as horrible as it was, it turned me into a highly motivated person.  i made lists and couldn't wait to cross things off them.  i became focused on feeling successful with my diet and workout routine.  every night i wrote a mindfulness goal for myself for the following day.  i did a lot of journaling and self-reflection. i woke up early on the weekends to clean and organize our apartment.  now that i'm happy i don't get the urge to take control of different aspects of my life.  my journal is gathering dust.  my mindfulness notebook is buried somewhere in my room.  the bathroom floor needs to be cleaned in a major way.  i am definitely not asking to be miserable again, but i wonder how i can stay motivated to be active and creative and organized when things are feeling pretty great.

early mornings

lately i have been really into going to the gym in the morning.  my day starts at 8:40 now, and my job is halfway between my house and my gym, so it's a pretty easy commute.  i wake up only slightly earlier than i woke up every day last year and my workout is over by 7:00 a.m.  this morning i woke up and almost went back to bed three separate times!  it is a miracle i made it to the bus stop.
when i walked outside the sun had just come up and i couldn't help but feel grateful.  last year at 7:15 a.m. i would have already been at work.  i might have been waiting on the steps for the custodian to let me in the building (because i'm crazy and had to get to work an hour early).  mornings were such an anxious time for me and no matter how late i stayed or how early i arrived, i never felt fully prepared for the day.
things are so different now.  when it comes to anything in life--apartments, jobs, friends, neighborhoods--when you are in the right place, you can just feel it.  i was so unhappy last year but i know it's because my job and i were no longer a good fit.  just thinking about the day i'd had or the day that was starting would turn my stomach.  i fell into the trap of spending my work time waiting for the moment when i could go home, and my home time dreading what i had to do for work.  that is no way to live!  but now...seriously.  i am where i belong.  i think that i will probably stay at this job for as long as i live in new york city.  when i'm at work i'm happy. when i go home i'm happy. that's not to say i don't get stressed or feel overwhelmed, but it feels completely different.  it isn't this cloud hanging over me all day every day.

i would also like to mention that a student gave me an apple the other day.  an apple! i've arrived.

best day

i feel like i'm back.  friday was just one of those days where i felt great.  the week started off a little hectic--didn't know how to do new routines and seemed to forget all of the routines i've known how to do for the past ten years.  then friday morning came and i was like, "oh yeah.  i'm pretty good at this."  after the year i had last year, and the couple of not-so-great years prior to that, i realized that i think i'm finally in the right place.  it was the best day of work i've had in about three years.  i was exhausted by the end of the night but i had a friend's wedding to go to with my two former roommates.  every moment of the wedding was amazing.  it felt great to celebrate two people's love, it felt great to drink sparkling white wine, it felt great to dance for three hours straight on the dance floor with two of my favorite people.  i had one of those rare and amazing moments where i realized just how happy i was.  everyday is not going to go that smoothly or feel that good, but i really feel like things are falling into place for me.  it's not always easy for me to be positive. i prematurely panic when things don't go as smoothly as my control freak brain would like them to go.  it feels nice to have a quiet, peaceful brain for once.

happy end of summer!

and here we are.  summer might be not be over according to the calendar, but for me (and most teachers), this is the end.  i went to work today and yesterday and set up my classroom, attended meetings, and had mini freak out sessions with my co-teacher.  as jarring as it is in my profession for summer to end, i actually love the fact that i get multiple "fresh starts"--new semesters, beginning of summer, new school year.  this summer has been no exception.  it was incredible for so many reasons, but mainly because of all of the newness.
last year was a really tough year for me.  i don't know that i've ever been truly depressed before, but i know i was this past year.  it didn't feel like i thought it would because i didn't necessarily recognize it when i was in the midst of it, but when i described how i felt to others i was like...ok, that is depression.    good things came of it though.  having never felt that way before i knew i couldn't ever go through it again and it pushed me to make a change.  i got my dream job at a school close by and i felt like things were starting to go my way.  my summer was full of lazy mornings, trips with friends, and getting excited for my new job.  then, on our five year first date anniversary, mike and i got engaged!  even though we had discussed marriage before, the proposal came as a total surprise.  everything about it was perfect and i still smile and spontaneously hug him when i think about it.  i can't help but feel like things are changing in a good way.  for all of the struggles that we all face--and i definitely have my fair share--i have a pretty great life.  i love where i live, i have great friends, i'm closer with my parents than ever before...things are pretty good and i just know that things get even better from here.
i have a long weekend ahead of me before i get to meet my new students on monday, and i'm definitely going to spend a lot of it being thankful.

five years

five years ago i was at a bbq in prospect park.  we had hung out all day to secure a picnic table so that we could grill, drink beers, and listen to bob dylan at the bandshell.  i had a date with a guy scheduled for the following weekend, and i was thinking about canceling because he didn't even live in the city yet.  my friend maggie said i should just go.  so i did.  and five years ago today i went on a first date with some guy who later became my boyfriend.  while maintaining a healthy relationship for that long is a big deal, it made me think about all of the things i've gone through over the past five years and how important they were in getting me to this place.

1. i used to live with two of my best friends.  it was the most fun i have ever had living with roommates and i think the three of us understand each other in a way that no one else will truly understand us.  when i moved out (all the way to the first floor!) they stayed upstairs and poof! i got to feel like i lived in a college dorm again.  running down the hallway in pajama pants and a pint of ice cream. knocking on each other's doors. gathering for game of thrones viewing parties.  they just moved into their own apartments at the beginning of the summer and it was really hard for me--much harder than when i moved downstairs.  for the first time since i graduated from college i felt like: ok, time to live how most adult humans live.

2. the year before mike and i started dating i got a new job and i loved it. then i liked it a lot.  then the structure of the job--i went from working in one location to working in another while still part of the same company--and i liked it ok.  this past year though...yikes.  i was so unhappy and stressed. i didn't even realize that i was depressed until i began describing how i felt to friends.  i was browsing through my journal and realized that i had decided to make a change as early as october of last year.  flash forward and i am now getting ready to work at my dream school.  over the course of five years i've come full circle and i know that, work wise, i am finally in the right place.

3. i finally went back to school and worked my butt off to get my masters while also teaching full time. the last semester was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting but now i feel like all of that time and energy was worth it.

4. i went from not being sure if i should go on a date with someone, to hanging out with him occasionally, to being his girlfriend, to living with him.  who knew that someday he would become my favorite person.

cheers to five years of getting to hang out with this guy:

push and shove

yesterday i had a mini breakdown.  i was laying on the couch watching project runway and all of a sudden i was like--i have to go to work tomorrow.  i have so much to do.  i had fun this weekend but i just didn't do enough.  i never do what i need to do.  etc etc etc crying etc being mean to mike etc etc turning my anxiety into: "and i need my own desk to do work!"  poor mike...he doesn't know what to do when this happens to me (because there isn't really anything to do).  he knows i am unhappy at work but yesterday i really tried to verbalize what it was about my job that made me so unhappy.  i no longer feel like i am good at my job.  i feel like every day i am failing, and a part of me feels like i have been set up to fail--albeit unknowingly.  i didn't always feel this way.  i used to feel quite the opposite in fact. 
today's work day was more of the same.  however, today my mindset was very different than usual.  i decided that the shove of a bad day where i couldn't seem to do anything right was going to push me towards a new goal.  i've mentioned before that i have been training for a 5k.  i finished the interval training and have just been jogging at an easy pace, trying to increase the amount of time i jog.  these runs have been ending at around the 2.5 mile mark.  not too bad, but not enough for the 3.1 miles i'll need to do to complete a 5k.  on saturday i had a really good run and felt like i could have kept going.  when i got home i kept wishing that i had pushed myself to run an even 3.  after a day where i felt like i was falling short from 8-4, i wanted to meet a personal goal.  as usual, i spent the first 10 minutes getting into a comfortable pace but then the minutes just flew by.  i'm not working on speed right now so it took me awhile to get to 3 miles, but it felt great to have reached a goal that i've been slowly building on over the past two and half months.  i probably could have gone further, but i don't want to hurt myself. 

join together in song

 

fridays are the hardest days of the work week for me.  not only is every. single, person. ready for the weekend, but i have less time to get things done during that day than other days during the week.  after working hard all week it seems like friday pushes me even more to need the weekend.  after weeks of sort of pretending to plan it, a group of friends and i finally made plans to go to karaoke this past friday.  we met for dinner ahead of time, and then picked up some beers and snacks to bring into our private room (the only way to do karaoke in my opinion).  my afternoon had ended on a semi-sour note and i was really looking forward letting off some (a lot of) steam.  

since this year has been so tough for me, i feel like i've been appreciating my evenings and weekends more and more.  getting together with everyone reminded me, yet again, that these are the moments that i need to focus on.  it also felt good to be enjoying the city for one of the many reasons on the list of why i love new york.  

i hope that soon my work life can feel as positive and rewarding as my personal life, but until then it feels great to think about great friends and how i 100% killed "super bass" and "seether" on the mic.

oh get out...no, but really

i was 23 when i moved to new york from providence and VERY excited to take advantage of the unlimited possibilities a huge city offered.  my job required early (and long!) hours, so i wasn't very fun during the week, but on the weekends...watch out.  i knew every bar, had tried every little hole in the wall restaurant in the lower east side and east village.  i stayed out until dawn, visited museums, saw friends, and didn't consider my weekend complete unless i was dragging my exhausted body into bed on a sunday night.
let's just say things are a little different now.  my typical weekend consists of:

work, nap, gym, nap, catch up on tv, fall asleep at about the same time that i fall asleep during the week, maybe see one or two friends, be depressed about how fast my weekend is going by, bed

this weekend i was in my pajamas at 10:30 am debating whether to take a nap or go to the gym first when my friend becky asked me if i wanted to go to a pickling class with her.  my first response was "no! i have too much work to do and i haven't even watched pretty little liars yet!"  then i decided that like, what is the point of the weekend if i don't DO things? so i went.  i made pickles for 2 hours.  then becky decided that we should also go get pizza at spumoni gardens--something i'd wanted to try for awhile but who has a car to get to bay ridge?  no! i have to take a nap!  and hopefully find out who A is!  but i went and it was great.  i went out to dinner with two other friends later and then met up with people for drinks after.  i did ZERO work.  nothing.  i didn't go to the gym. i don't know if toby is really dead.  i did take a 3 hour nap so i crossed one thing off my to-do list.  the point is, i had the kind of saturday that i haven't had in years.  i forgot how to enjoy my weekends because i'm so worried about getting ahead of all of the work and cleaning i feel like i have to do.  i have so many lists of all of the things i want to do in and around new york and that list mostly just takes up space on my refrigerator next to the curling new york magazine 100 best restaurant list that has not been touched. my sunday was a little crazy with all of the "catching up" i felt like i had to do but in reality, it was no more stressful than any other sunday.  and this week i've felt no more or less prepared than any other week.  sure there were more things i COULD have done, but there will never really be an end to my mini-notebook to-do lists and if i hadn't just taken advantage of a beautiful saturday afternoon i would not have 3 jars of pickles to try next weekend.

oh don't cry

today was rough.  i loved my outfit, got to work bright and early, and had everything ready to go for the day.  things just didn't go the way that i had hoped.  my second, more "lively" class had a full scale riot when they entered the room and their seating arrangement had been changed.  if we had been on a ship they would have thrown me overboard.  i am not going to lie--i was telling my co-workers in the office about my day and started to cry and then had to spend 15 minutes in the bathroom splashing cold water on my face and fanning myself because my post-cry face is not easy to mask.  i think next time i'll take a picture of it to post.  long story short, i had a bad day, but i spent about 20 minutes just chatting with of my students.  i have to remember that when all is said and done, i really do like what i do.  i need to keep myself in a positive mental space, even if that means i need a change of atmosphere.  maybe i just have the winter blues considering my last two posts have been such downers.