too much of a good thing

being happy is a funny thing.  i am not complaining, but it's strange how unmotivated i can be when perfectly content.  things in my life are far from perfect right now, trust me, but i am feeling pretty good about the majority of what is happening.  i am very very VERY happy at work, wedding planning has been going pretty smoothly, and i feel just...good.  i was talking to a co-worker today about how anxious we were on the sunday night after the holiday.  neither of us could fall asleep thinking about going back to work the next day, and then we each had to remind ourselves that we now work in a pleasant, respectful, and functioning (for us) environment.  last year at this time i was laying awake with anxiety every night! as horrible as it was, it turned me into a highly motivated person.  i made lists and couldn't wait to cross things off them.  i became focused on feeling successful with my diet and workout routine.  every night i wrote a mindfulness goal for myself for the following day.  i did a lot of journaling and self-reflection. i woke up early on the weekends to clean and organize our apartment.  now that i'm happy i don't get the urge to take control of different aspects of my life.  my journal is gathering dust.  my mindfulness notebook is buried somewhere in my room.  the bathroom floor needs to be cleaned in a major way.  i am definitely not asking to be miserable again, but i wonder how i can stay motivated to be active and creative and organized when things are feeling pretty great.

early mornings

lately i have been really into going to the gym in the morning.  my day starts at 8:40 now, and my job is halfway between my house and my gym, so it's a pretty easy commute.  i wake up only slightly earlier than i woke up every day last year and my workout is over by 7:00 a.m.  this morning i woke up and almost went back to bed three separate times!  it is a miracle i made it to the bus stop.
when i walked outside the sun had just come up and i couldn't help but feel grateful.  last year at 7:15 a.m. i would have already been at work.  i might have been waiting on the steps for the custodian to let me in the building (because i'm crazy and had to get to work an hour early).  mornings were such an anxious time for me and no matter how late i stayed or how early i arrived, i never felt fully prepared for the day.
things are so different now.  when it comes to anything in life--apartments, jobs, friends, neighborhoods--when you are in the right place, you can just feel it.  i was so unhappy last year but i know it's because my job and i were no longer a good fit.  just thinking about the day i'd had or the day that was starting would turn my stomach.  i fell into the trap of spending my work time waiting for the moment when i could go home, and my home time dreading what i had to do for work.  that is no way to live!  but now...seriously.  i am where i belong.  i think that i will probably stay at this job for as long as i live in new york city.  when i'm at work i'm happy. when i go home i'm happy. that's not to say i don't get stressed or feel overwhelmed, but it feels completely different.  it isn't this cloud hanging over me all day every day.

i would also like to mention that a student gave me an apple the other day.  an apple! i've arrived.