early mornings

lately i have been really into going to the gym in the morning.  my day starts at 8:40 now, and my job is halfway between my house and my gym, so it's a pretty easy commute.  i wake up only slightly earlier than i woke up every day last year and my workout is over by 7:00 a.m.  this morning i woke up and almost went back to bed three separate times!  it is a miracle i made it to the bus stop.
when i walked outside the sun had just come up and i couldn't help but feel grateful.  last year at 7:15 a.m. i would have already been at work.  i might have been waiting on the steps for the custodian to let me in the building (because i'm crazy and had to get to work an hour early).  mornings were such an anxious time for me and no matter how late i stayed or how early i arrived, i never felt fully prepared for the day.
things are so different now.  when it comes to anything in life--apartments, jobs, friends, neighborhoods--when you are in the right place, you can just feel it.  i was so unhappy last year but i know it's because my job and i were no longer a good fit.  just thinking about the day i'd had or the day that was starting would turn my stomach.  i fell into the trap of spending my work time waiting for the moment when i could go home, and my home time dreading what i had to do for work.  that is no way to live!  but now...seriously.  i am where i belong.  i think that i will probably stay at this job for as long as i live in new york city.  when i'm at work i'm happy. when i go home i'm happy. that's not to say i don't get stressed or feel overwhelmed, but it feels completely different.  it isn't this cloud hanging over me all day every day.

i would also like to mention that a student gave me an apple the other day.  an apple! i've arrived.

best day

i feel like i'm back.  friday was just one of those days where i felt great.  the week started off a little hectic--didn't know how to do new routines and seemed to forget all of the routines i've known how to do for the past ten years.  then friday morning came and i was like, "oh yeah.  i'm pretty good at this."  after the year i had last year, and the couple of not-so-great years prior to that, i realized that i think i'm finally in the right place.  it was the best day of work i've had in about three years.  i was exhausted by the end of the night but i had a friend's wedding to go to with my two former roommates.  every moment of the wedding was amazing.  it felt great to celebrate two people's love, it felt great to drink sparkling white wine, it felt great to dance for three hours straight on the dance floor with two of my favorite people.  i had one of those rare and amazing moments where i realized just how happy i was.  everyday is not going to go that smoothly or feel that good, but i really feel like things are falling into place for me.  it's not always easy for me to be positive. i prematurely panic when things don't go as smoothly as my control freak brain would like them to go.  it feels nice to have a quiet, peaceful brain for once.

happy end of summer!

and here we are.  summer might be not be over according to the calendar, but for me (and most teachers), this is the end.  i went to work today and yesterday and set up my classroom, attended meetings, and had mini freak out sessions with my co-teacher.  as jarring as it is in my profession for summer to end, i actually love the fact that i get multiple "fresh starts"--new semesters, beginning of summer, new school year.  this summer has been no exception.  it was incredible for so many reasons, but mainly because of all of the newness.
last year was a really tough year for me.  i don't know that i've ever been truly depressed before, but i know i was this past year.  it didn't feel like i thought it would because i didn't necessarily recognize it when i was in the midst of it, but when i described how i felt to others i was like...ok, that is depression.    good things came of it though.  having never felt that way before i knew i couldn't ever go through it again and it pushed me to make a change.  i got my dream job at a school close by and i felt like things were starting to go my way.  my summer was full of lazy mornings, trips with friends, and getting excited for my new job.  then, on our five year first date anniversary, mike and i got engaged!  even though we had discussed marriage before, the proposal came as a total surprise.  everything about it was perfect and i still smile and spontaneously hug him when i think about it.  i can't help but feel like things are changing in a good way.  for all of the struggles that we all face--and i definitely have my fair share--i have a pretty great life.  i love where i live, i have great friends, i'm closer with my parents than ever before...things are pretty good and i just know that things get even better from here.
i have a long weekend ahead of me before i get to meet my new students on monday, and i'm definitely going to spend a lot of it being thankful.

oh get out...no, but really

i was 23 when i moved to new york from providence and VERY excited to take advantage of the unlimited possibilities a huge city offered.  my job required early (and long!) hours, so i wasn't very fun during the week, but on the weekends...watch out.  i knew every bar, had tried every little hole in the wall restaurant in the lower east side and east village.  i stayed out until dawn, visited museums, saw friends, and didn't consider my weekend complete unless i was dragging my exhausted body into bed on a sunday night.
let's just say things are a little different now.  my typical weekend consists of:

work, nap, gym, nap, catch up on tv, fall asleep at about the same time that i fall asleep during the week, maybe see one or two friends, be depressed about how fast my weekend is going by, bed

this weekend i was in my pajamas at 10:30 am debating whether to take a nap or go to the gym first when my friend becky asked me if i wanted to go to a pickling class with her.  my first response was "no! i have too much work to do and i haven't even watched pretty little liars yet!"  then i decided that like, what is the point of the weekend if i don't DO things? so i went.  i made pickles for 2 hours.  then becky decided that we should also go get pizza at spumoni gardens--something i'd wanted to try for awhile but who has a car to get to bay ridge?  no! i have to take a nap!  and hopefully find out who A is!  but i went and it was great.  i went out to dinner with two other friends later and then met up with people for drinks after.  i did ZERO work.  nothing.  i didn't go to the gym. i don't know if toby is really dead.  i did take a 3 hour nap so i crossed one thing off my to-do list.  the point is, i had the kind of saturday that i haven't had in years.  i forgot how to enjoy my weekends because i'm so worried about getting ahead of all of the work and cleaning i feel like i have to do.  i have so many lists of all of the things i want to do in and around new york and that list mostly just takes up space on my refrigerator next to the curling new york magazine 100 best restaurant list that has not been touched. my sunday was a little crazy with all of the "catching up" i felt like i had to do but in reality, it was no more stressful than any other sunday.  and this week i've felt no more or less prepared than any other week.  sure there were more things i COULD have done, but there will never really be an end to my mini-notebook to-do lists and if i hadn't just taken advantage of a beautiful saturday afternoon i would not have 3 jars of pickles to try next weekend.

oh don't cry

today was rough.  i loved my outfit, got to work bright and early, and had everything ready to go for the day.  things just didn't go the way that i had hoped.  my second, more "lively" class had a full scale riot when they entered the room and their seating arrangement had been changed.  if we had been on a ship they would have thrown me overboard.  i am not going to lie--i was telling my co-workers in the office about my day and started to cry and then had to spend 15 minutes in the bathroom splashing cold water on my face and fanning myself because my post-cry face is not easy to mask.  i think next time i'll take a picture of it to post.  long story short, i had a bad day, but i spent about 20 minutes just chatting with of my students.  i have to remember that when all is said and done, i really do like what i do.  i need to keep myself in a positive mental space, even if that means i need a change of atmosphere.  maybe i just have the winter blues considering my last two posts have been such downers.

oh get positive

tonight is my last night of february vacation.  of the vacations i've had over the past few years, this has probably been one of the best.  it was a great combination of productive and relaxing.  i got a massage, went to the nail salon, cleaned my apartment and read a ton.  staying in town sometimes causes me to feel stir crazy, and leaving town sometimes makes me feel like i didn't have enough time off.  this week was perfectly balanced.  what is even better is that i don't feel suicidal at the thought of going back to work tomorrow.  i've been getting myself into a better head space about work, and have planned some changes to implement in the classroom starting this week.  i'm also excited thinking about how march (and spring!) are right around the corner.

this photo was taken last year on my walk home from the gym.  the arrival of spring seems to happen when i least expect it and then all of a sudden i notice that all of the trees on 5th avenue are in bloom and i wonder how long i went without noticing.  i'm looking forward to longer days, warmer temperatures and spending more time outside instead of my (cozy) cave of an apartment.