weekend intensity

my parents came into town this weekend.  it was the first time mike and i have seen them since we got engaged.  i was extremely excited for them to be in town.  we had some great places picked out for meals, a tour of the brooklyn brewery planned, and lots of time to share our ideas about what we wanted for our wedding.  people (and books, and blogs) had told me that sometimes wedding planning conversations between couples and parents got intense, but i thought my parents were going to be super cool about it.  i thought my not wanting to get married in a church was going to be the biggest point of contention, but i felt strongly about it so i wasn't that worried.  maybe i should have been ready for the intense conversation, but i definitely wasn't.
i wasn't prepared for the fact that they really wanted me to get married in connecticut.  i knew my mom would have ideas about who i should invite, but i didn't realize she'd ask what portion of our 150 maximum was available for her to invite.  some of the intensity was diffused by two of my friends stopping by, but i knew we had to just have the conversation.  voices were raised a little, i cried, the "husbands" tried to calm down the "wives." (i guess quotation marks aren't necessary for my parents, since they actually are married, but you get what i'm trying to do here). when all was said and done, my parents seemed ok with the fact that we want to get married in new york.  they liked some venues better than others, but at least acted comfortable with all of them, and they did give us some important things to think about.
coming away from the weekend, i'm pretty exhausted, but i appreciate the fact that my parents just want our wedding day to be amazing.  they might not understand some of the ideas that mike and i have, but they are supportive and beyond generous.  there will always be this part of me that wants my parents to approve of all of my decisions--like i'm still a little kid--but i know that the fact that the conversations saturday night were not totally comfortable meant that mike and i were staying true to the kind of wedding we envision for ourselves.
i have to say...i am excited for our wedding, but i am also looking forward to the day being here and mike and i just getting to be husband and wife.

best day

i feel like i'm back.  friday was just one of those days where i felt great.  the week started off a little hectic--didn't know how to do new routines and seemed to forget all of the routines i've known how to do for the past ten years.  then friday morning came and i was like, "oh yeah.  i'm pretty good at this."  after the year i had last year, and the couple of not-so-great years prior to that, i realized that i think i'm finally in the right place.  it was the best day of work i've had in about three years.  i was exhausted by the end of the night but i had a friend's wedding to go to with my two former roommates.  every moment of the wedding was amazing.  it felt great to celebrate two people's love, it felt great to drink sparkling white wine, it felt great to dance for three hours straight on the dance floor with two of my favorite people.  i had one of those rare and amazing moments where i realized just how happy i was.  everyday is not going to go that smoothly or feel that good, but i really feel like things are falling into place for me.  it's not always easy for me to be positive. i prematurely panic when things don't go as smoothly as my control freak brain would like them to go.  it feels nice to have a quiet, peaceful brain for once.

happy end of summer!

and here we are.  summer might be not be over according to the calendar, but for me (and most teachers), this is the end.  i went to work today and yesterday and set up my classroom, attended meetings, and had mini freak out sessions with my co-teacher.  as jarring as it is in my profession for summer to end, i actually love the fact that i get multiple "fresh starts"--new semesters, beginning of summer, new school year.  this summer has been no exception.  it was incredible for so many reasons, but mainly because of all of the newness.
last year was a really tough year for me.  i don't know that i've ever been truly depressed before, but i know i was this past year.  it didn't feel like i thought it would because i didn't necessarily recognize it when i was in the midst of it, but when i described how i felt to others i was like...ok, that is depression.    good things came of it though.  having never felt that way before i knew i couldn't ever go through it again and it pushed me to make a change.  i got my dream job at a school close by and i felt like things were starting to go my way.  my summer was full of lazy mornings, trips with friends, and getting excited for my new job.  then, on our five year first date anniversary, mike and i got engaged!  even though we had discussed marriage before, the proposal came as a total surprise.  everything about it was perfect and i still smile and spontaneously hug him when i think about it.  i can't help but feel like things are changing in a good way.  for all of the struggles that we all face--and i definitely have my fair share--i have a pretty great life.  i love where i live, i have great friends, i'm closer with my parents than ever before...things are pretty good and i just know that things get even better from here.
i have a long weekend ahead of me before i get to meet my new students on monday, and i'm definitely going to spend a lot of it being thankful.

five years

five years ago i was at a bbq in prospect park.  we had hung out all day to secure a picnic table so that we could grill, drink beers, and listen to bob dylan at the bandshell.  i had a date with a guy scheduled for the following weekend, and i was thinking about canceling because he didn't even live in the city yet.  my friend maggie said i should just go.  so i did.  and five years ago today i went on a first date with some guy who later became my boyfriend.  while maintaining a healthy relationship for that long is a big deal, it made me think about all of the things i've gone through over the past five years and how important they were in getting me to this place.

1. i used to live with two of my best friends.  it was the most fun i have ever had living with roommates and i think the three of us understand each other in a way that no one else will truly understand us.  when i moved out (all the way to the first floor!) they stayed upstairs and poof! i got to feel like i lived in a college dorm again.  running down the hallway in pajama pants and a pint of ice cream. knocking on each other's doors. gathering for game of thrones viewing parties.  they just moved into their own apartments at the beginning of the summer and it was really hard for me--much harder than when i moved downstairs.  for the first time since i graduated from college i felt like: ok, time to live how most adult humans live.

2. the year before mike and i started dating i got a new job and i loved it. then i liked it a lot.  then the structure of the job--i went from working in one location to working in another while still part of the same company--and i liked it ok.  this past year though...yikes.  i was so unhappy and stressed. i didn't even realize that i was depressed until i began describing how i felt to friends.  i was browsing through my journal and realized that i had decided to make a change as early as october of last year.  flash forward and i am now getting ready to work at my dream school.  over the course of five years i've come full circle and i know that, work wise, i am finally in the right place.

3. i finally went back to school and worked my butt off to get my masters while also teaching full time. the last semester was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting but now i feel like all of that time and energy was worth it.

4. i went from not being sure if i should go on a date with someone, to hanging out with him occasionally, to being his girlfriend, to living with him.  who knew that someday he would become my favorite person.

cheers to five years of getting to hang out with this guy:

rain delay

my summer is winding down and i am starting to see the end of what had previously seemed neverending.  i went a little stir crazy right before i went to vegas and i felt like it was time to return to work and get back on a schedule.  then i had vegas, followed by florida, followed by a week of working in my classroom and carrying out plans i had made weeks before.  to top all of this off, there was an issue with my clearance to work.  it wasn't anything major, but it made me feel really uncertain. i felt 90% sure the problem would be resolved, but the 10% that didn't really had a field day with my emotions.  i'm fairly certain that everyone waiting in the terminal at grand central friday evening thought i was going to a funeral or breaking up with my boyfriend--that is the caliber of red nosed sobbing that was happening.
i woke up this morning to total gloom outside--and a phone call telling me i had been cleared for work! i cannot describe the relief i felt.  i had so many plans today, including a yoga class that would help me cross off one of 101 in 1001, but i decided to just take the day to relax and be thankful.  i did some laundry, read my book, and caught up on some television.  it is 1:00 and i am still in my pajamas and i don't care.  tomorrow will be beautiful and i'll go out and do things, but for today i'm just appreciating my last few weeks of laziness.