none of your sass

yesterday i had an extremely frustrating experience with a business.  i had made an appointment, which was canceled two days before (totally get it, things happen).  i rescheduled and then, like clockwork, it was cancelled again two days beforehand.  when i called to reschedule i was annoyed, but then even more angry when i learned that there wasn't a single appointment available for almost two weeks! needless to say i went home last night and wrote several agitated emails.  today i received a response from the director of the business, and he was BARELY apologetic.  he "apologized" that i had such a "frustrating experience booking something as ordinary as a facial", and he reiterated how successful the business was and how many clients they see within the course of a month.  he offered a complimentary treatment that was totally unrelated to my original booking, but never truly apologized for twice canceling my appointment with no explanation and little time to rebook in the immediate future.  when i got his email i was extremely upset, but not for the reasons one might think.  yes, i later riled myself up about what a bs "apology" it was, but i was more upset that my immediate response was to feel like maybe I was wrong or out of line, and maybe I acted too quickly in being upset.

this is an issue that i have, and friends have also expressed a similar sentiment.  while i expect to be treated with respect, i don't always demand it.  i allow other people to make me feel like i am in the wrong or my feelings are unwarranted.  it's the feeling of being reprimanded as a little kid, and i have no idea where it comes from.  even though i hate when people immediately get on the defensive and escalate any and all situations in the name of "respect," there is a part of me that envies them.  under no circumstances will they allow someone to treat them with anything less than 100% respect.  they feel (or act like they feel) confident about their decisions, and they aren't afraid to show it.

increased confidence and standing up for myself are two things that i am working on as i move into my mid-30s. (side note: my british friend says that "i'm working on me" is "so american")  i wrote an email back to that director, and called him out on not apologizing or taking responsibility for HIS poor organization and communication, as well as treating my frustration with "booking something as ordinary as a facial" as trivial.  i don't really care if he writes back, or apologizes, or makes changes within his business, but i feel better that i stood up for myself in some small way.

which reset button works for you?

this week i did my third 3-day juice cleanse.  i raved about it the first time around, daydreamed about cheese the second time, and this time i spent the 72 hours crafting a list of all of the things i would eat when i was done.  i even ate avocado at midnight on the last night because i was jittery and nauseous.  i get that it might be a good reset for your body, but i've decided that i no longer need to reset my body in that way.  i like food too much, and i don't know that NOT eating solid food for three days is the best thing ever.  especially when i almost lunged at a 9 year old because she smelled like cool ranch doritos. as summer vacation approaches, i am going to "reset" my body by replacing lunch or dinner 3 times a week with healthy salads, and breakfast 3 days a week with a smoothie.  i will reset by being physically active every day and keeping to a schedule.  and i will reset myself by not feeling bad if i want to eat a handful of white cheddar cheese-its as a snack.  ok, two handfuls.

the "grown-up" myth

i turned 33 at the end of november.  when i was 16 (or, let's be honest, 25) i thought that by 33 i would be a proper grown up.  i would own a home, have at least one kid.  i would no longer check behind the shower curtain for serial killers when i was home alone, and i would make sure that i ate the proper amount of servings of vegetables as indicated by the food pyramid.
not the case.  i've been thinking so much about the idea of being a grown up lately, and what milestones do you have to reach before you are officially in the club.  having a kid? marriage? owning a home? a driver's license with your ACTUAL address on it?
i am surrounded by people who seem like total grown-ups in so many ways, but then i find out a) their parents pay a HUGE part of their rent, or b) they got married a few months ago but their spouse still lives with their mom and has NEVER lived on their own.  are they still grown ups? am i more a grown up because i am not on my parents' cell phone bill?  or less a grown up because i still have a childhood stuffed animal in my bedroom and never pay my bills on time?
so much is different than when my parents were my age.  people get married later, switch jobs more often, rent for life.  last year at this time i would have moved out of new york in a heartbeat.  if mike had gotten a job somewhere else, i would have moved pretty much anywhere in a second.  because i love my job right now, and new york seems like the best place for mike's career, should i come to terms with the fact that i will never have a formal dining room that will never get used?  at this rate, i might never have a kitchen table...
even though i definitely feel the pressure to "grow up" in the traditional sense, i also feel lucky that i am living in a place and time where, even at 33, i am free to figure myself out.

kitchen scale

usually this is one of my favorite times of year.  i adore a fresh start. i love lists. me + new year's = true love.  this year...not so much.  i haven't been very motivated to clean my apartment or make resolutions, and i'm not sure why.  last year at this time i deep cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, stocked my fridge with healthy snacks, and had pages of ideas and inspiration for resolutions written in my journal. yesterday i decided to "get it together" in terms of food and went hunting for my kitchen scale so i could weigh some cheddar i planned on including in my healthy breakfast attempt (it was healthy, i swear!)  and don't worry, i found that scale...buried under--no exaggeration--six bags of christmas candy.  NOT AN EXAGGERATION.  it felt very symbolic.  a good intention of several months ago buried deep below impulses and conveniences of today.  story. of. my life.

so maybe it's time for some resolutions. as usual, once i can see the impending end of my vacation i am inspired to spring into action and desperately wish i had more time to do so.  if only i had this whole week off, i'd really show the gym who is boss. BUT, if i DID have the whole week off i would feel no pressure to go to the gym.  resolution catch-22.

there are things i did really well in 2013. in fact, from about april on, 2013 was almost 100% amazing.  there were a few hiccups (two full months of a job i hated, family drama, etc), but overall--pretty great.  2014 has the potential to be just as incredible, if not better, than the second half of 2013.  this is the year i work a full year at a job i love. this is the year i get married to my best friend. this is the year i am not so exhausted/depressed that i can enjoy all 52 weekends.  i want to focus on continuing to do the great things from the past year, as well as add in new goals.

1. positivity about the way i look and feel
my inclination is to set a large, pounds based goal to lose this year.  i'm getting married in october and i would love to be thin and beautiful and float down the aisle in my dainty wedding dress.  the reality is, i'm not going to lose 50 pounds by then (nor do i necessarily want to), so i'm going to focus on exercising more and eating better foods.  i want to go to the gym more days than not. i want to alternate between cardio, strength training, and yoga/pilates.  i want to cook more and eat healthier snacks and plan ahead of time so i'm not ordering enchiladas at 7:30 because i'm too hungry to cook and there's nothing in the refrigerator anyway.  i want to feel good in my clothes and have more energy.

2. deal with tasks when they come up
i have a weird relationship with procrastination.  i get anxiety about tasks that don't seem like such a big deal.  for example, my parents sent me a check for my birthday in november and i haven't deposited it yet.  why not?  i walk past the bank EVERY DAY on my way home from work!  my principal emails a weekly newsletter about what is going on in the upcoming week.  i get stressed when it pops into my inbox.  why?! there is nothing in it that is even remotely stressful AND i love my principal.  when something has to get done, i want to work on just facing it...like the math plans i need to prepare for tomorrow...

3. make plans with friends
there are some friends i see pretty regularly, but mostly i just lay on the couch with mike.  i love relaxing on the weekends, and i don't feel guilty about spending saturday AND sunday in pajamas, but i also love spending time with friends.  i need to make an effort to connect more with the friends i don't see all of the time.  this includes visiting friends who live in other cities.  as i've gotten older, leaving the city feels like a bigger and bigger hassle.  and honestly, it is, but i have friends living all over the east coast that i don't see unless they come here, and that is pretty ridiculous.

4. fall back in love with new york
i really do love it here, but i honestly could probably live almost anywhere considering how little advantage i take of the city.  i would definitely miss the subway and the bodega on every corner and not having to drive anywhere, but there is so much more to new york than that (obviously). i want to do two or three new, or old favorite, activities per month.  i want to make dinner and brunch plans. i want to have iconic new york experiences.

too much of a good thing

being happy is a funny thing.  i am not complaining, but it's strange how unmotivated i can be when perfectly content.  things in my life are far from perfect right now, trust me, but i am feeling pretty good about the majority of what is happening.  i am very very VERY happy at work, wedding planning has been going pretty smoothly, and i feel just...good.  i was talking to a co-worker today about how anxious we were on the sunday night after the holiday.  neither of us could fall asleep thinking about going back to work the next day, and then we each had to remind ourselves that we now work in a pleasant, respectful, and functioning (for us) environment.  last year at this time i was laying awake with anxiety every night! as horrible as it was, it turned me into a highly motivated person.  i made lists and couldn't wait to cross things off them.  i became focused on feeling successful with my diet and workout routine.  every night i wrote a mindfulness goal for myself for the following day.  i did a lot of journaling and self-reflection. i woke up early on the weekends to clean and organize our apartment.  now that i'm happy i don't get the urge to take control of different aspects of my life.  my journal is gathering dust.  my mindfulness notebook is buried somewhere in my room.  the bathroom floor needs to be cleaned in a major way.  i am definitely not asking to be miserable again, but i wonder how i can stay motivated to be active and creative and organized when things are feeling pretty great.