push and shove

yesterday i had a mini breakdown.  i was laying on the couch watching project runway and all of a sudden i was like--i have to go to work tomorrow.  i have so much to do.  i had fun this weekend but i just didn't do enough.  i never do what i need to do.  etc etc etc crying etc being mean to mike etc etc turning my anxiety into: "and i need my own desk to do work!"  poor mike...he doesn't know what to do when this happens to me (because there isn't really anything to do).  he knows i am unhappy at work but yesterday i really tried to verbalize what it was about my job that made me so unhappy.  i no longer feel like i am good at my job.  i feel like every day i am failing, and a part of me feels like i have been set up to fail--albeit unknowingly.  i didn't always feel this way.  i used to feel quite the opposite in fact. 
today's work day was more of the same.  however, today my mindset was very different than usual.  i decided that the shove of a bad day where i couldn't seem to do anything right was going to push me towards a new goal.  i've mentioned before that i have been training for a 5k.  i finished the interval training and have just been jogging at an easy pace, trying to increase the amount of time i jog.  these runs have been ending at around the 2.5 mile mark.  not too bad, but not enough for the 3.1 miles i'll need to do to complete a 5k.  on saturday i had a really good run and felt like i could have kept going.  when i got home i kept wishing that i had pushed myself to run an even 3.  after a day where i felt like i was falling short from 8-4, i wanted to meet a personal goal.  as usual, i spent the first 10 minutes getting into a comfortable pace but then the minutes just flew by.  i'm not working on speed right now so it took me awhile to get to 3 miles, but it felt great to have reached a goal that i've been slowly building on over the past two and half months.  i probably could have gone further, but i don't want to hurt myself. 

oh get out?

this morning was one of those days that made me want to turn around, pack up my things, and leave new york for good.  don't get me wrong--i love love LOVE this city, but every once in awhile it drives me absolutely insane.  i stood in the pouring rain waiting for a bus (that never came) and then walked 15 minutes to the train.  i was so mad and i couldn't believe i stood outside, freezing my butt off, soaking wet--just to go to work...a place where i don't want to go in the first place!  i wished i could turn around, change out of my wet clothes and go back to sleep.
am i the only one who ever feels that way about new york city?  certain things just drive me crazy about living here.  they have yet to outweigh the good, but still.

1) i would love to go to the movies without having to get there at least 45 minutes early.  mike and i went to chicago last summer and on a night when we were especially wiped we decided to see batman.  people casually strolled in as close as 15 minutes to showtime and there were still plenty of seats!  if you get to a movie 15 minutes before it starts in new york you are either sitting in the front row or on the steps.
2) concerts.  every single person goes to every single concert.  they are all taller than me and they are all wearing backpacks.
3) commuting.  i would love--LOVE--to arrive at work looking as good as i did when i left the house.  there are about 4 days over the course of the whole year when this happens and i think they are all in mid fall.  i'm either sweating or soaking wet or wearing hideous yet comfortable shoes.
4) getting out of town.  i love that i don't have to drive pretty much ever.  i actually don't even really like to drive.  sometimes, though, i feel totally trapped.  unless i want to travel by bus, it costs at least $100 to get out of town for the weekend.

new york, i love you.  but i definitely need a couple of beautiful saturdays to remind myself why.