the "grown-up" myth

i turned 33 at the end of november.  when i was 16 (or, let's be honest, 25) i thought that by 33 i would be a proper grown up.  i would own a home, have at least one kid.  i would no longer check behind the shower curtain for serial killers when i was home alone, and i would make sure that i ate the proper amount of servings of vegetables as indicated by the food pyramid.
not the case.  i've been thinking so much about the idea of being a grown up lately, and what milestones do you have to reach before you are officially in the club.  having a kid? marriage? owning a home? a driver's license with your ACTUAL address on it?
i am surrounded by people who seem like total grown-ups in so many ways, but then i find out a) their parents pay a HUGE part of their rent, or b) they got married a few months ago but their spouse still lives with their mom and has NEVER lived on their own.  are they still grown ups? am i more a grown up because i am not on my parents' cell phone bill?  or less a grown up because i still have a childhood stuffed animal in my bedroom and never pay my bills on time?
so much is different than when my parents were my age.  people get married later, switch jobs more often, rent for life.  last year at this time i would have moved out of new york in a heartbeat.  if mike had gotten a job somewhere else, i would have moved pretty much anywhere in a second.  because i love my job right now, and new york seems like the best place for mike's career, should i come to terms with the fact that i will never have a formal dining room that will never get used?  at this rate, i might never have a kitchen table...
even though i definitely feel the pressure to "grow up" in the traditional sense, i also feel lucky that i am living in a place and time where, even at 33, i am free to figure myself out.

kitchen scale

usually this is one of my favorite times of year.  i adore a fresh start. i love lists. me + new year's = true love.  this year...not so much.  i haven't been very motivated to clean my apartment or make resolutions, and i'm not sure why.  last year at this time i deep cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, stocked my fridge with healthy snacks, and had pages of ideas and inspiration for resolutions written in my journal. yesterday i decided to "get it together" in terms of food and went hunting for my kitchen scale so i could weigh some cheddar i planned on including in my healthy breakfast attempt (it was healthy, i swear!)  and don't worry, i found that scale...buried under--no exaggeration--six bags of christmas candy.  NOT AN EXAGGERATION.  it felt very symbolic.  a good intention of several months ago buried deep below impulses and conveniences of today.  story. of. my life.

so maybe it's time for some resolutions. as usual, once i can see the impending end of my vacation i am inspired to spring into action and desperately wish i had more time to do so.  if only i had this whole week off, i'd really show the gym who is boss. BUT, if i DID have the whole week off i would feel no pressure to go to the gym.  resolution catch-22.

there are things i did really well in 2013. in fact, from about april on, 2013 was almost 100% amazing.  there were a few hiccups (two full months of a job i hated, family drama, etc), but overall--pretty great.  2014 has the potential to be just as incredible, if not better, than the second half of 2013.  this is the year i work a full year at a job i love. this is the year i get married to my best friend. this is the year i am not so exhausted/depressed that i can enjoy all 52 weekends.  i want to focus on continuing to do the great things from the past year, as well as add in new goals.

1. positivity about the way i look and feel
my inclination is to set a large, pounds based goal to lose this year.  i'm getting married in october and i would love to be thin and beautiful and float down the aisle in my dainty wedding dress.  the reality is, i'm not going to lose 50 pounds by then (nor do i necessarily want to), so i'm going to focus on exercising more and eating better foods.  i want to go to the gym more days than not. i want to alternate between cardio, strength training, and yoga/pilates.  i want to cook more and eat healthier snacks and plan ahead of time so i'm not ordering enchiladas at 7:30 because i'm too hungry to cook and there's nothing in the refrigerator anyway.  i want to feel good in my clothes and have more energy.

2. deal with tasks when they come up
i have a weird relationship with procrastination.  i get anxiety about tasks that don't seem like such a big deal.  for example, my parents sent me a check for my birthday in november and i haven't deposited it yet.  why not?  i walk past the bank EVERY DAY on my way home from work!  my principal emails a weekly newsletter about what is going on in the upcoming week.  i get stressed when it pops into my inbox.  why?! there is nothing in it that is even remotely stressful AND i love my principal.  when something has to get done, i want to work on just facing it...like the math plans i need to prepare for tomorrow...

3. make plans with friends
there are some friends i see pretty regularly, but mostly i just lay on the couch with mike.  i love relaxing on the weekends, and i don't feel guilty about spending saturday AND sunday in pajamas, but i also love spending time with friends.  i need to make an effort to connect more with the friends i don't see all of the time.  this includes visiting friends who live in other cities.  as i've gotten older, leaving the city feels like a bigger and bigger hassle.  and honestly, it is, but i have friends living all over the east coast that i don't see unless they come here, and that is pretty ridiculous.

4. fall back in love with new york
i really do love it here, but i honestly could probably live almost anywhere considering how little advantage i take of the city.  i would definitely miss the subway and the bodega on every corner and not having to drive anywhere, but there is so much more to new york than that (obviously). i want to do two or three new, or old favorite, activities per month.  i want to make dinner and brunch plans. i want to have iconic new york experiences.

too much of a good thing

being happy is a funny thing.  i am not complaining, but it's strange how unmotivated i can be when perfectly content.  things in my life are far from perfect right now, trust me, but i am feeling pretty good about the majority of what is happening.  i am very very VERY happy at work, wedding planning has been going pretty smoothly, and i feel just...good.  i was talking to a co-worker today about how anxious we were on the sunday night after the holiday.  neither of us could fall asleep thinking about going back to work the next day, and then we each had to remind ourselves that we now work in a pleasant, respectful, and functioning (for us) environment.  last year at this time i was laying awake with anxiety every night! as horrible as it was, it turned me into a highly motivated person.  i made lists and couldn't wait to cross things off them.  i became focused on feeling successful with my diet and workout routine.  every night i wrote a mindfulness goal for myself for the following day.  i did a lot of journaling and self-reflection. i woke up early on the weekends to clean and organize our apartment.  now that i'm happy i don't get the urge to take control of different aspects of my life.  my journal is gathering dust.  my mindfulness notebook is buried somewhere in my room.  the bathroom floor needs to be cleaned in a major way.  i am definitely not asking to be miserable again, but i wonder how i can stay motivated to be active and creative and organized when things are feeling pretty great.

great lakes. great times.

this weekend i went to visit my friend martha in detroit.  i visited her several times when she was living in oakland, and she is in new york all the time, but this was my first trip to detroit (and michigan)!  i wasn't sure what to expect from detroit, but it was pretty great.
i got in on friday night and we dropped off my stuff at her apartment, then headed out for some beers and a quick bite to eat.  it was kind of late so we didn't want a huge sit-down meal.  we ended up sitting at the bar and ordering fries, lamb perogies, and pulled pork sliders.  it was the perfect amount of food.
on saturday morning we woke up super early, laid in bed and girl talked, and then walked to breakfast at the clique restaurant. i was in the midwest so i was going to do full on grits, bacon and eggs.  and a side of pancakes.  i mean come on! the favorite was definitely the cheesy gritz--a bowl of grits with a slice of american cheese layered in.

after breakfast we did a mini walking tour and then headed over to the eastern market for groceries, then had a mid-afternoon beer at bert's.  after walking around all afternoon, we went back to martha's house and took a long nap.  then we got ready, hopped on our bikes, and headed downtown for dinner and the tigers' playoff game.  martha raved about sweetwater tavern so we headed over and ate our weight in chicken wings (and blue cheese).  the tigers won and, even though i'm not a tigers' fan, it was fun to be wrapped up in the excitement.  also...i'm a yankees fan, so it's never hard watching the red sox lose.
since saturday night's bike ride trial run turned out so well, we decided to do a mini bik tour the next day.  we biked down the dequindre cut to the riverwalk and then over to belle isle.

i noticed a beautiful conservancy and we pulled over to take a bike break and to check out the greenhouse.  i wouldn't call myself a huge nature fan, but i do love the feeling of being in a greenhouse.  my favorite room is always the one with all of the cacti.

halfway around the island i started feeling like maybe this wasn't the greatest bike i'd ever ridden in my life.  it was fine for going out on saturday night, and even for cruising over to belle isle, but the gears were messed up and my butt. was. killing. me.  we were heading over to the art institute and it's probably best that i didn't know how far it was.  martha sensed that i was about to collapse and we stopped for pizza and a beer on the way.  it helped my mental state, but NOT my butt.  the art institute was awesome--i'm a diego rivera fan and the murals there were amazing.  on our way home we stopped for one more beer.  it was just a little push to help us home...

neither of us could move very quickly by the time we got back to martha's house.  i asked her how far she thought we had biked and she casually said, "probably like 8 miles."  i don't usually bike 8 miles at a time, but i knew my legs had done more than that.  i decided to mapmyride and when i finished our little afternoon ride i discovered that we had biked 20.12 miles!  needless to say, we drove when we went out that night!
it was so great to spend a weekend with a friend in the city that they grew up in and love.  i was impressed by how bikeable detroit was and how friendly everyone was.  whenever i visit a place i think, "could i live here?" and i could definitely live in detroit (not that i'm moving). in the autumn at least...
i could DEFINITELY live there if it meant i would get to hang out with this little guy:

early mornings

lately i have been really into going to the gym in the morning.  my day starts at 8:40 now, and my job is halfway between my house and my gym, so it's a pretty easy commute.  i wake up only slightly earlier than i woke up every day last year and my workout is over by 7:00 a.m.  this morning i woke up and almost went back to bed three separate times!  it is a miracle i made it to the bus stop.
when i walked outside the sun had just come up and i couldn't help but feel grateful.  last year at 7:15 a.m. i would have already been at work.  i might have been waiting on the steps for the custodian to let me in the building (because i'm crazy and had to get to work an hour early).  mornings were such an anxious time for me and no matter how late i stayed or how early i arrived, i never felt fully prepared for the day.
things are so different now.  when it comes to anything in life--apartments, jobs, friends, neighborhoods--when you are in the right place, you can just feel it.  i was so unhappy last year but i know it's because my job and i were no longer a good fit.  just thinking about the day i'd had or the day that was starting would turn my stomach.  i fell into the trap of spending my work time waiting for the moment when i could go home, and my home time dreading what i had to do for work.  that is no way to live!  but now...seriously.  i am where i belong.  i think that i will probably stay at this job for as long as i live in new york city.  when i'm at work i'm happy. when i go home i'm happy. that's not to say i don't get stressed or feel overwhelmed, but it feels completely different.  it isn't this cloud hanging over me all day every day.

i would also like to mention that a student gave me an apple the other day.  an apple! i've arrived.