too much of a good thing

being happy is a funny thing.  i am not complaining, but it's strange how unmotivated i can be when perfectly content.  things in my life are far from perfect right now, trust me, but i am feeling pretty good about the majority of what is happening.  i am very very VERY happy at work, wedding planning has been going pretty smoothly, and i feel just...good.  i was talking to a co-worker today about how anxious we were on the sunday night after the holiday.  neither of us could fall asleep thinking about going back to work the next day, and then we each had to remind ourselves that we now work in a pleasant, respectful, and functioning (for us) environment.  last year at this time i was laying awake with anxiety every night! as horrible as it was, it turned me into a highly motivated person.  i made lists and couldn't wait to cross things off them.  i became focused on feeling successful with my diet and workout routine.  every night i wrote a mindfulness goal for myself for the following day.  i did a lot of journaling and self-reflection. i woke up early on the weekends to clean and organize our apartment.  now that i'm happy i don't get the urge to take control of different aspects of my life.  my journal is gathering dust.  my mindfulness notebook is buried somewhere in my room.  the bathroom floor needs to be cleaned in a major way.  i am definitely not asking to be miserable again, but i wonder how i can stay motivated to be active and creative and organized when things are feeling pretty great.

great lakes. great times.

this weekend i went to visit my friend martha in detroit.  i visited her several times when she was living in oakland, and she is in new york all the time, but this was my first trip to detroit (and michigan)!  i wasn't sure what to expect from detroit, but it was pretty great.
i got in on friday night and we dropped off my stuff at her apartment, then headed out for some beers and a quick bite to eat.  it was kind of late so we didn't want a huge sit-down meal.  we ended up sitting at the bar and ordering fries, lamb perogies, and pulled pork sliders.  it was the perfect amount of food.
on saturday morning we woke up super early, laid in bed and girl talked, and then walked to breakfast at the clique restaurant. i was in the midwest so i was going to do full on grits, bacon and eggs.  and a side of pancakes.  i mean come on! the favorite was definitely the cheesy gritz--a bowl of grits with a slice of american cheese layered in.

after breakfast we did a mini walking tour and then headed over to the eastern market for groceries, then had a mid-afternoon beer at bert's.  after walking around all afternoon, we went back to martha's house and took a long nap.  then we got ready, hopped on our bikes, and headed downtown for dinner and the tigers' playoff game.  martha raved about sweetwater tavern so we headed over and ate our weight in chicken wings (and blue cheese).  the tigers won and, even though i'm not a tigers' fan, it was fun to be wrapped up in the excitement.  also...i'm a yankees fan, so it's never hard watching the red sox lose.
since saturday night's bike ride trial run turned out so well, we decided to do a mini bik tour the next day.  we biked down the dequindre cut to the riverwalk and then over to belle isle.

i noticed a beautiful conservancy and we pulled over to take a bike break and to check out the greenhouse.  i wouldn't call myself a huge nature fan, but i do love the feeling of being in a greenhouse.  my favorite room is always the one with all of the cacti.

halfway around the island i started feeling like maybe this wasn't the greatest bike i'd ever ridden in my life.  it was fine for going out on saturday night, and even for cruising over to belle isle, but the gears were messed up and my butt. was. killing. me.  we were heading over to the art institute and it's probably best that i didn't know how far it was.  martha sensed that i was about to collapse and we stopped for pizza and a beer on the way.  it helped my mental state, but NOT my butt.  the art institute was awesome--i'm a diego rivera fan and the murals there were amazing.  on our way home we stopped for one more beer.  it was just a little push to help us home...

neither of us could move very quickly by the time we got back to martha's house.  i asked her how far she thought we had biked and she casually said, "probably like 8 miles."  i don't usually bike 8 miles at a time, but i knew my legs had done more than that.  i decided to mapmyride and when i finished our little afternoon ride i discovered that we had biked 20.12 miles!  needless to say, we drove when we went out that night!
it was so great to spend a weekend with a friend in the city that they grew up in and love.  i was impressed by how bikeable detroit was and how friendly everyone was.  whenever i visit a place i think, "could i live here?" and i could definitely live in detroit (not that i'm moving). in the autumn at least...
i could DEFINITELY live there if it meant i would get to hang out with this little guy:

early mornings

lately i have been really into going to the gym in the morning.  my day starts at 8:40 now, and my job is halfway between my house and my gym, so it's a pretty easy commute.  i wake up only slightly earlier than i woke up every day last year and my workout is over by 7:00 a.m.  this morning i woke up and almost went back to bed three separate times!  it is a miracle i made it to the bus stop.
when i walked outside the sun had just come up and i couldn't help but feel grateful.  last year at 7:15 a.m. i would have already been at work.  i might have been waiting on the steps for the custodian to let me in the building (because i'm crazy and had to get to work an hour early).  mornings were such an anxious time for me and no matter how late i stayed or how early i arrived, i never felt fully prepared for the day.
things are so different now.  when it comes to anything in life--apartments, jobs, friends, neighborhoods--when you are in the right place, you can just feel it.  i was so unhappy last year but i know it's because my job and i were no longer a good fit.  just thinking about the day i'd had or the day that was starting would turn my stomach.  i fell into the trap of spending my work time waiting for the moment when i could go home, and my home time dreading what i had to do for work.  that is no way to live!  but now...seriously.  i am where i belong.  i think that i will probably stay at this job for as long as i live in new york city.  when i'm at work i'm happy. when i go home i'm happy. that's not to say i don't get stressed or feel overwhelmed, but it feels completely different.  it isn't this cloud hanging over me all day every day.

i would also like to mention that a student gave me an apple the other day.  an apple! i've arrived.

weekend intensity

my parents came into town this weekend.  it was the first time mike and i have seen them since we got engaged.  i was extremely excited for them to be in town.  we had some great places picked out for meals, a tour of the brooklyn brewery planned, and lots of time to share our ideas about what we wanted for our wedding.  people (and books, and blogs) had told me that sometimes wedding planning conversations between couples and parents got intense, but i thought my parents were going to be super cool about it.  i thought my not wanting to get married in a church was going to be the biggest point of contention, but i felt strongly about it so i wasn't that worried.  maybe i should have been ready for the intense conversation, but i definitely wasn't.
i wasn't prepared for the fact that they really wanted me to get married in connecticut.  i knew my mom would have ideas about who i should invite, but i didn't realize she'd ask what portion of our 150 maximum was available for her to invite.  some of the intensity was diffused by two of my friends stopping by, but i knew we had to just have the conversation.  voices were raised a little, i cried, the "husbands" tried to calm down the "wives." (i guess quotation marks aren't necessary for my parents, since they actually are married, but you get what i'm trying to do here). when all was said and done, my parents seemed ok with the fact that we want to get married in new york.  they liked some venues better than others, but at least acted comfortable with all of them, and they did give us some important things to think about.
coming away from the weekend, i'm pretty exhausted, but i appreciate the fact that my parents just want our wedding day to be amazing.  they might not understand some of the ideas that mike and i have, but they are supportive and beyond generous.  there will always be this part of me that wants my parents to approve of all of my decisions--like i'm still a little kid--but i know that the fact that the conversations saturday night were not totally comfortable meant that mike and i were staying true to the kind of wedding we envision for ourselves.
i have to say...i am excited for our wedding, but i am also looking forward to the day being here and mike and i just getting to be husband and wife.

best day

i feel like i'm back.  friday was just one of those days where i felt great.  the week started off a little hectic--didn't know how to do new routines and seemed to forget all of the routines i've known how to do for the past ten years.  then friday morning came and i was like, "oh yeah.  i'm pretty good at this."  after the year i had last year, and the couple of not-so-great years prior to that, i realized that i think i'm finally in the right place.  it was the best day of work i've had in about three years.  i was exhausted by the end of the night but i had a friend's wedding to go to with my two former roommates.  every moment of the wedding was amazing.  it felt great to celebrate two people's love, it felt great to drink sparkling white wine, it felt great to dance for three hours straight on the dance floor with two of my favorite people.  i had one of those rare and amazing moments where i realized just how happy i was.  everyday is not going to go that smoothly or feel that good, but i really feel like things are falling into place for me.  it's not always easy for me to be positive. i prematurely panic when things don't go as smoothly as my control freak brain would like them to go.  it feels nice to have a quiet, peaceful brain for once.

happy end of summer!

and here we are.  summer might be not be over according to the calendar, but for me (and most teachers), this is the end.  i went to work today and yesterday and set up my classroom, attended meetings, and had mini freak out sessions with my co-teacher.  as jarring as it is in my profession for summer to end, i actually love the fact that i get multiple "fresh starts"--new semesters, beginning of summer, new school year.  this summer has been no exception.  it was incredible for so many reasons, but mainly because of all of the newness.
last year was a really tough year for me.  i don't know that i've ever been truly depressed before, but i know i was this past year.  it didn't feel like i thought it would because i didn't necessarily recognize it when i was in the midst of it, but when i described how i felt to others i was like...ok, that is depression.    good things came of it though.  having never felt that way before i knew i couldn't ever go through it again and it pushed me to make a change.  i got my dream job at a school close by and i felt like things were starting to go my way.  my summer was full of lazy mornings, trips with friends, and getting excited for my new job.  then, on our five year first date anniversary, mike and i got engaged!  even though we had discussed marriage before, the proposal came as a total surprise.  everything about it was perfect and i still smile and spontaneously hug him when i think about it.  i can't help but feel like things are changing in a good way.  for all of the struggles that we all face--and i definitely have my fair share--i have a pretty great life.  i love where i live, i have great friends, i'm closer with my parents than ever before...things are pretty good and i just know that things get even better from here.
i have a long weekend ahead of me before i get to meet my new students on monday, and i'm definitely going to spend a lot of it being thankful.

five years

five years ago i was at a bbq in prospect park.  we had hung out all day to secure a picnic table so that we could grill, drink beers, and listen to bob dylan at the bandshell.  i had a date with a guy scheduled for the following weekend, and i was thinking about canceling because he didn't even live in the city yet.  my friend maggie said i should just go.  so i did.  and five years ago today i went on a first date with some guy who later became my boyfriend.  while maintaining a healthy relationship for that long is a big deal, it made me think about all of the things i've gone through over the past five years and how important they were in getting me to this place.

1. i used to live with two of my best friends.  it was the most fun i have ever had living with roommates and i think the three of us understand each other in a way that no one else will truly understand us.  when i moved out (all the way to the first floor!) they stayed upstairs and poof! i got to feel like i lived in a college dorm again.  running down the hallway in pajama pants and a pint of ice cream. knocking on each other's doors. gathering for game of thrones viewing parties.  they just moved into their own apartments at the beginning of the summer and it was really hard for me--much harder than when i moved downstairs.  for the first time since i graduated from college i felt like: ok, time to live how most adult humans live.

2. the year before mike and i started dating i got a new job and i loved it. then i liked it a lot.  then the structure of the job--i went from working in one location to working in another while still part of the same company--and i liked it ok.  this past year though...yikes.  i was so unhappy and stressed. i didn't even realize that i was depressed until i began describing how i felt to friends.  i was browsing through my journal and realized that i had decided to make a change as early as october of last year.  flash forward and i am now getting ready to work at my dream school.  over the course of five years i've come full circle and i know that, work wise, i am finally in the right place.

3. i finally went back to school and worked my butt off to get my masters while also teaching full time. the last semester was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting but now i feel like all of that time and energy was worth it.

4. i went from not being sure if i should go on a date with someone, to hanging out with him occasionally, to being his girlfriend, to living with him.  who knew that someday he would become my favorite person.

cheers to five years of getting to hang out with this guy:

rain delay

my summer is winding down and i am starting to see the end of what had previously seemed neverending.  i went a little stir crazy right before i went to vegas and i felt like it was time to return to work and get back on a schedule.  then i had vegas, followed by florida, followed by a week of working in my classroom and carrying out plans i had made weeks before.  to top all of this off, there was an issue with my clearance to work.  it wasn't anything major, but it made me feel really uncertain. i felt 90% sure the problem would be resolved, but the 10% that didn't really had a field day with my emotions.  i'm fairly certain that everyone waiting in the terminal at grand central friday evening thought i was going to a funeral or breaking up with my boyfriend--that is the caliber of red nosed sobbing that was happening.
i woke up this morning to total gloom outside--and a phone call telling me i had been cleared for work! i cannot describe the relief i felt.  i had so many plans today, including a yoga class that would help me cross off one of 101 in 1001, but i decided to just take the day to relax and be thankful.  i did some laundry, read my book, and caught up on some television.  it is 1:00 and i am still in my pajamas and i don't care.  tomorrow will be beautiful and i'll go out and do things, but for today i'm just appreciating my last few weeks of laziness.

101 in 1001

there is little i love more than making to-do lists and getting organized and setting goals for myself.  unfortunately, i do not always feel the same excitement about working towards those goals.  i have a tendency to give myself too much to accomplish, or i forget about them as time goes on.  i saw a 101 in 1001 list on design darling, and was immediately inspired to create my own.  the list is large enough to allow for both large and small to-dos, but it doesn't end on december 31st  like a new year's resolution, so you have plenty of time to accomplish what you want to.  i just started, but i like the fact that i can focus on one or two goals at a time.  the ones in italics are ones that i am currently working on.

May 5, 2016

Go to London
2.     Go to the top of the Empire State building
3.     Go to the Liberty Science Center
4.     Go on a road trip
5.     Visit a state I’ve never been to Michigan! Completed October 2013
6.     Rent a beach/lake house/cabin with friends
7.     Visit the New York Public Library in Bryant Park
8.     Take the Roosevelt Island tram
9.     Do a Brooklyn Brewery tour (with Dad!) Completed September 2013
10.  Take a circle line cruise
11.   Go to Brooklyn Boulders
12.  Go to Museum of Moving Image
13.   Go camping in a tent or cabin
14.   Go ice skating
15.   Go for a hike
16.  See a Broadway show by going to tkts
17.   Take a trapeze class
18.  Sneak into a second movie for a “double feature”
19.  Go to Shake Shack
20. Visit Erica in Baltimore
21.  Ride my bike into Manhattan
22. Go to a trivia night
23.  Go to brunch in Manhattan
24.  Go home for a random weekend just to hang out with my parents
25.  Go to a hockey game

26. Take a yoga class Completed August 2013
27.  Run a 10k
28. Take a pilates reformer class
29. Go to a personal trainer Completed first session August 2013
30.  Comfortably wear a two piece
31.   Run at least two 5k races and improve my time
32.  Run more than 5 miles
33.  Find a general practitioner
34.  Go to the gym 2x per week for three months straight
35.  Try meditation
36.  Go to a SoulCycle class
37.  Get 8 hours of sleep every night for a week
38.  Take a vitamin daily for one month
39.  Give up soda for one month
40.   Drink 64 ounces of water every day for a week Completed August 2013
41.   Fit into one or both of the modcloth dresses I purchased two years ago
42.   Wash my face, apply eye cream, serum and moisturizer every night for two weeks Completed August 2013
43.  Do a pull-up
44.  Book an appointment at Great Jones Spa Completed November 2013
45.  Keep track of miles I run (jog) and run 500 by the time my 1001 expires


46.  Do a “30 day” challenge
47.  Do a photo-an-hour challenge (once per month) for 6 months
48.  Perfect Mom’s sauce recipe—meaning, make it like her!
49.  Make a dish from things purchased at the farmer’s market
50.  Try one new recipe a month
51.   Roast red peppers with Aunt Anita
52.  Watch all of the AFI top 100 movies released since 1960
53.  Start and maintain a blog with at least three posts per week
54.    Read 25 books per year (15/25 so far in 2013)
55.  Read 10 “classic” books
56.  Watch Battlestar Galactica
57.  Watch Six Feet Under
58.  Perfect a signature cocktail
59.  Visit a braid bar
60. Try acupuncture
61.  Participate in a multi-course tasting menu
62. Read 5 books on my shelf that I have never read (1/5)
63.  Get my makeup done professionally and then buy one of the products used
64.  Carve a jack-o-lantern
65.  Read the Sunday New York Times for one month
66. Use my point and shoot camera more
67.  Create a photo book with digital photos
68. Donate money to 3 friends who are collecting for charity (2/3)
69. Review 20 restaurants or bars on yelp-positive and negative!
70.  Write in my journal 2x per week for 2 consecutive months
71.   Write daily intentions for one month
72.  Get fresh flowers for our apartment every week for a month
73.  Wear jewelry to work every day for a month
74.  Develop a makeup routine and wear it to work for a month
75.  Complete the stocking of our “bar cart”
76.  Get a matching pajama set

77.  Host a game night
78.  Host a dinner party
79.  Send 50 handwritten notes
80. Reconnect with Kellee
81.  Go on a romantic picnic with Mike—with picnic basket, wine glasses, etc
82. Send out Christmas cards one year
83.  Create an address book on my computer
84.  Host a girls only slumber party
85.  Send someone a care/surprise package
86. Send 5 postcards from vacation
87.  Get a new library card
88. Put $100 from each paycheck into savings
89. Track my spending for one month
90. Develop a monthly budget
91.  Fix up backyard
92. Upgrade to iPhone 5 Completed November 2013
93.  Pay off my American Express bill
94.  Get black boots stretched
95.  Get gold bracelet fixed
96. Subscribe to HGTV and Glamour
97.  Back up photos, music and important documents onto an external hard drive
98. Put $10 in savings for every goal completed
99. Get a new Social Security Card
100.  Get a New York License
101.  Pay my monthly student loan bill for 6 months even though I don't owe right now

the list!

summer!  sweet, sweet summer vacation!  everyone loves summer but teachers love it more than anyone.  it's not just because we don't have to go to work--don't get me wrong, that is pretty great, but there is something so wonderful about not talking all day and sleeping through the night without waking up in a panic and making a mental to-do list.  i haven't heard my last name once in an entire week and i have read every night for at least 20 minutes without falling asleep with the light on.  it's pretty magical.  as usual, i have set some summer goals for myself.  i have a tendency to be super motivated for the first two weeks and then fall into summer insomnia where i sleep all day and watch netflix/troll the internet all night.  i need a list because a) i need structure and b) i love making lists in little notebooks!

1. read!
i have so much reading to do!  i set a goal for myself to read 25 books in 2013 and after a fantastic start, i sort of lost my momentum.  i'm on my 10th book and i need to make the effort to read every day.  i am also starting a new job in the fall where i will be teaching reading and writing for the first time in a few years, and i am definitely behind in my knowledge of children's literature.  i have a couple of trips planned this summer and i'm hoping that sitting poolside will be the perfect setting to help me reach my goal.

2. catch up on projects around the house
mike and i moved into our apartment a little over two years ago and, while i decorated like crazy for the first few months, i definitely hit a wall with some of the projects i had planned.  there are a couple of pieces of furniture i need to buy, a wall to paint, and some closets to purge and then our apartment will almost be done!  someday we will get rid of the cheapest of the ikea furniture, but for now it is serving its purpose.

3. sweat it out
i was doing sooo well for sooo long when it came to eating healthy and going to the gym and then the last month...yikes.  seamless = dangerous.  outdoor patio happy hour = kryptonite.  this summer i need to make going to the gym a priority and keep healthy snacks around the house so that my netflix addiction is not paired with a junk food addiction.

4. new york city
get out!  do things! live in new york city not just in my apartment! sometimes oppressive heat and humidity makes leaving my central air cave of an apartment difficult to leave, but i need to take advantage of how light the crowds are during the week at some quintessential new york locations.

i think that's it.  i have obvious goals with regard to my new job but those goals are separate and will be for a post later this summer!

push and shove

yesterday i had a mini breakdown.  i was laying on the couch watching project runway and all of a sudden i was like--i have to go to work tomorrow.  i have so much to do.  i had fun this weekend but i just didn't do enough.  i never do what i need to do.  etc etc etc crying etc being mean to mike etc etc turning my anxiety into: "and i need my own desk to do work!"  poor mike...he doesn't know what to do when this happens to me (because there isn't really anything to do).  he knows i am unhappy at work but yesterday i really tried to verbalize what it was about my job that made me so unhappy.  i no longer feel like i am good at my job.  i feel like every day i am failing, and a part of me feels like i have been set up to fail--albeit unknowingly.  i didn't always feel this way.  i used to feel quite the opposite in fact. 
today's work day was more of the same.  however, today my mindset was very different than usual.  i decided that the shove of a bad day where i couldn't seem to do anything right was going to push me towards a new goal.  i've mentioned before that i have been training for a 5k.  i finished the interval training and have just been jogging at an easy pace, trying to increase the amount of time i jog.  these runs have been ending at around the 2.5 mile mark.  not too bad, but not enough for the 3.1 miles i'll need to do to complete a 5k.  on saturday i had a really good run and felt like i could have kept going.  when i got home i kept wishing that i had pushed myself to run an even 3.  after a day where i felt like i was falling short from 8-4, i wanted to meet a personal goal.  as usual, i spent the first 10 minutes getting into a comfortable pace but then the minutes just flew by.  i'm not working on speed right now so it took me awhile to get to 3 miles, but it felt great to have reached a goal that i've been slowly building on over the past two and half months.  i probably could have gone further, but i don't want to hurt myself. 

join together in song

 

fridays are the hardest days of the work week for me.  not only is every. single, person. ready for the weekend, but i have less time to get things done during that day than other days during the week.  after working hard all week it seems like friday pushes me even more to need the weekend.  after weeks of sort of pretending to plan it, a group of friends and i finally made plans to go to karaoke this past friday.  we met for dinner ahead of time, and then picked up some beers and snacks to bring into our private room (the only way to do karaoke in my opinion).  my afternoon had ended on a semi-sour note and i was really looking forward letting off some (a lot of) steam.  

since this year has been so tough for me, i feel like i've been appreciating my evenings and weekends more and more.  getting together with everyone reminded me, yet again, that these are the moments that i need to focus on.  it also felt good to be enjoying the city for one of the many reasons on the list of why i love new york.  

i hope that soon my work life can feel as positive and rewarding as my personal life, but until then it feels great to think about great friends and how i 100% killed "super bass" and "seether" on the mic.